If you're creepy and you know it, clap your hands!
Vol. 31.
I've Been Drinking!: A Selection of Beverages
*Coffee Shop of Horrors Graveyard Shift- This medium roast mocha coffee has a ghoulish undertaker on the label. The ground coffee is a good balance of chocolate and coffee that I'd have again.
*Kroger Label Pumpkin Ground Coffee- This pouch was given to me just because it has the word “pumpkin” on it. I do like my Autumn pumpkin coffee, and I've had lots of brands. I was impressed by this one because I expected a fairly chemical flavor but got a smooth, flavorful cup instead.
*Appalachian Sippin' Cream, Butter Pecan- Produced by Sugarlands Distillery, Gatlinburg, Tenn., this milky liquor comes in a Mason jar that makes it impossible to pour without having it dribble down the side. The label says it's “velvety” but at 20% ABV, it stings no matter what I do with it.
* Wasatch Brewery Pumpkin Ale- From Salt Lake City with a 5% ABV, this is likely the smoothest pumpkin ale you'll ever have.
*Robinson's The Trooper- From the British brewery in conjunction with the British metal band, with an eye-catching label featuring Eddie holding the Union Jack. The beer has an ABV of 4.7%, and if you're looking for a bitter, hoppy brew, this is it. The giant and I split this oversized bottle and both said, “Well, that's bitter.”
Cthulhu Christmas Ornament by HorrorNaments
A Short Shock:
The Worst Birthday
I don't know why Mama says I have to wear my best dress when I go play with Evelyn. I don't think Evelyn cares at all what I wear and she's never said she likes my blue dress. I don't care what she's wearing either, though she must have said something to her mother about my dress because after the first time I wore it, Evelyn was wearing a blue dress the next week. Fancier, but very close to the same. I noticed that and told her we were almost twins. She didn't say anything.
“Sit down so I can get your hair done,” Mama tells me. I sit down and keep my mouth shut even though I hate when she curls my hair. I sit very still when she comes near me with that hot curling rod that she heats on the stove. I've learned not to wiggle around after she accidentally burned my ear with it. It hurt for days after and the marks might stay forever, but Mama still insists on curling my hair when we go to the Fords.
Evelyn and Mr. and Mrs. Ford live far away but somehow still in our town. Mama says, “It's only four blocks away, why do you behave like you're climbing Kilimanjaro?” Well, it's hard for me to keep up, especially because it's always raining, and my curled hair is always ruined from being smashed under my rain cap when we get there. I wish Evelyn had to come to our house sometimes, then we wouldn't have to do all the walking and I could show her my room, but Mama says that will never happen because Evelyn isn't well enough to leave her room even to go to school, so that's why I'm her only friend. I've told Mama that I'm Evelyn's only friend because she's boring, but I do feel sorry for her, having to spend all day in bed in a dark room, wishing she could go out and play. She tells me how lonely it is and that she so looks forward to my visits. Her parents bring her lots of presents though. Nearly every week she shows me her new puppets or a pretty dolly, and I get to play with all her toys, even the dolls that come from Germany.
Mama works while Evelyn and I are playing. She cleans the house, but the first thing she does after putting her apron on is the make a cake. It's on her list of duties. Mrs. Ford has the ingredients measured out and waiting on the kitchen table, and Mama mixes it up and put the tins of batter in the oven, then starts her cleaning. Evelyn and I can smell the cake baking all the way from upstairs and can hardly wait until Mrs. Ford herself brings me a slice. Evelyn is too sickly to eat cake so I get extra. She says she likes the smell though, so she isn't missing out.
Mama and I go to the Ford's twice a week. She used to spend all week cleaning their big house but they can't afford to pay her for all that cleaning now that everyone's money has crashed. There isn't enough work for grown-ups to do and Mama says she's lucky the Fords have her in at all, that they can pay her for these days only because Mr. Ford has two jobs now, doing his taxi-dirty in the garden shed and still doing his regular job at the newspaper. Since Daddy fell off the roof of his office building and died over a year ago, Mama says we have to rely on the Fords more, so I should be nice to Evelyn. I can talk to her and play with her toys, but I'm not to touch her so I don't get her illness. Mama asks me a lot if I'm okay with seeing Evelyn and I say yes. I've been keeping boring Evelyn company for a long time now and I'm use to her.
When Mama and I are putting our coats on to leave, Mrs. Ford always gives us the bag back, and when we get home we get to unpack it and see the good things Mrs. Ford gave us, like loaves of fresh bread, and a piece of waxed paper filled with butter. Sometimes it's carrots and apples, or big ham bones for soup. Once there was a half bottle of expensive perfume for Mama. And there are always two slices of Mama's cake wrapped in paper.
All of us call the bag “the bag” because it's traded back and forth between us. It's a cloth hair dryer bag, so it draws less notice than a brown bag of groceries would. People are stealing food from each other now. A boy in my class was crying because his mama was knocked down and her food stolen outside Lane's Grocery two weeks ago. I don't know if he was crying because his mama was hurt or because their food was gone.
Our house is very small, I know that now. I didn't notice that until recently but I'll be seven soon and I'm paying attention more. I've always seen that Evelyn's house was much bigger than mine. It has two floors and a wood staircase with a long shiny wood bannister that I've never been allowed to slide down because it would be unlady-like. Evelyn has a big room with a thick mattress and fluffy pillows and a white rocking chair that Mr. Ford helps her into when I come over. She always has vases filled with roses in her room too, tea roses, Mr. Ford calls them. He grows them in the garden and says they smell exquisite. If that means strong, he's right. The few times Evelyn has felt well enough to have her father carry her down to sit on the shady bench in the garden, she's watched me hopping on the path and petting the stray cat we call Patches, and when Mr. Ford comes out of his shed, he gives me nippers to cut flowers for Mama. Evelyn says she loves being among the flowers. I love Patches, but Mama says I can't take him home because of the cost of a pet.
Mama and Daddy and I used to live in a house in another neighborhood. Mama didn't work at the Fords then, she just cleaned our own house. After Daddy fell off the building we sold that house and moved to this smaller house that doesn't have a yard.
Mama and I were at Evelyn's on Saturday and I read aloud to her from her book, Black Beauty, which is my favorite and Evelyn loves to hear me read it to her. She asks me to read from it all the time and I know it almost by heart now. She's too sick to sit up and read but she always begs me to go on for another chapter, which I'm happy to do.
As Mama and I got ready to leave, Mrs. Ford handed Mama the bag, then said to me, “Charlotte, I know your turning seven next week. I was thinking that since Evelyn's birthday is coming up too, we should just throw the both of you a big birthday party together. We'll have hats and cake and play the phonograph. Evelyn has the new Guy Lombardo album. What do you say?”
This was very exciting, and I said right away, “Can I invite my friends from school?”
Mr. Ford had come in from the garden shed through the kitchen door and he smiled as he listened to Mrs. Ford, but began washing the grime off his hands as I asked about my friends. Mrs. Ford seemed embarrassed for a moment and Mama answered me instead.
“I don't think we can handle a whole classroom of children at a party, Charlotte. Let's just keep the party to the Fords and you and I. More cake for you, right?”
“But all my friends know I'm having my birthday. Why can't I invite them?”
“Because it's Evelyn's birthday too and she doesn't know your classmates. But really, she's too sick to have all those children and noise around.”
“But-”
Mr. Ford came over, wiping his hands on a tea towel and smiling. He was always smiling, the friendliest man I'd ever met.
“It'll be a grand party with just you and Evelyn. You're both growing up so fast I can hardly believe it. You'll be seven and Evelyn will be turning eight, and there's going to be a very special birthday present for you, Charlotte. Evelyn picked it out for you and she can't wait for you to open it.”
I reminded him that Evelyn was already eight, then said okay to the party. What else could I say?
My seventh birthday was on the following Friday, but the party was being held the next day, on Saturday. My friends at school asked if I was going to have a party, and as much as I wanted to say yes, I did as Mama told me and said we would be going to my Grandmother's for my birthday. I've never mentioned Evelyn to any of the other kids, another one of Mama's rules. She said that telling them about Evelyn's big house and toys and cake and Patches would be bragging and some kids might invite themselves along, so I kept quiet. And I knew Mama couldn't get me a present that would be equal to what the Fords would give Evelyn, so at least I wouldn't have all my friends watching.
On Saturday I put on my blue dress. Mama sighed and said I was nearly too big for it already and maybe Evelyn will tire of another one soon. I forgot to mention that that's where my blue dress came from. We put our coats on, Mama picked up her handbag and the bag, and we walked in the cold air to the Ford house. When we arrived, Mama took our coats and put them in the front closet but didn't put on her apron. Today she was a party guest, not the help, and Mr and Mrs Ford smiled and greeted us like they were very happy to see us. I saw Evelyn sitting at the dining room table in her new yellow dress with the lace collar, and I hoped that someday it would be mine. She looked as dull as always but her long red hair had been dressed in pigtails and yellow ribbons. On the table in front of her were a pile of beautifully wrapped gifts with big shiny bows. I said hello to her, then watched in misery as Mama took two small presents out of the bag and placed them on the table with the others. She'd wrapped them in the Sunday funnies.
“Have a little sherry, Esther?” Mr Ford asked. Mama said yes, thank you, and he handed her a tiny pink glass of dark liquid.
“Well, ladies, what shall we do first? Presents or cake? Or records?”
“Oh, Milt, let's have games first,” Mrs Ford said. “Pin the Tail on the Donkey!”
A smiling paper donkey was taped to the kitchen door, and I was handed a tack with a paper tail attached. The Fords laughed as Mama spun me around over and over, and once I was dizzy, she gave me a little shove towards the door. I stumbled a bit but managed to make it to the paper donkey and stick the tack in, which was met by applause. Taking the blindfold off, I saw that I had put the tail on a front foot. Mr Ford had to help Evelyn. He put the blindfold on her, spun her gently, and supported her all the way to the door. “I don't want to cheat!” he called. “I'm closing my eyes!” He held onto Evelyn's hand and helped her press the tack in. She had put it right on the donkey's back leg, so close to the right spot that I couldn't even argue over who had won, not that I would. Then Mr Ford did some magic tricks for us, ones he'd learned just for our party, and I couldn't figure out where those scarves came from. He was as good as a real magician.
Mama had four more tiny glasses of sherry and I don't know how many Mrs Ford had, but both of them looked rosy-cheeked by the time they went in the kitchen and a big birthday cake covered in frosting roses, the candles all lit and everyone singing “For she's a jolly good fellow...” They placed the cake on the table and I sat down next to Evelyn. The cake said Happy Birthday Evelyn and Charlotte! That's how big it was, it had my whole name on it. When they finished singing they applauded and I did too, it was fun, but Evelyn didn't know what to do so she just sat there. Mrs Ford and I blew out the candles. It was the best cake I'd ever had. I don't know if Mama had baked it or Mrs Ford, or if it had come from a bakery.
I would have taken a second piece over the presents. Whatever Mama had brought was going to be bad, but Mrs Ford announced it was time to open presents and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
“Esther, do you want to start?” Mrs Ford asked.
“I'd be delighted, Martha,” Mama said. I'd never heard her call Mrs Ford by her first name, and she'd nearly yelled it. She picked up the two presents she'd brought and placed each of them before me and Evelyn. While I picked the newspaper off slowly, Mr Ford leaned over and helped Evelyn, saying, “What do you think we have here, Evie old girl? Is it a roadster? An elephant?” He kept it up as both he and I got to the inner cardboard box and opened them to reveal matching hairbrushes. They were pink- handled and the backing was covered in painted red roses with green vines. They were very pretty and I was suddenly so proud of my mother for finding such nice gifts. I kissed her on the cheek, and then Mr Ford helped Evelyn up to kiss her cheek too, which startled Mama. I don't think she's ever been that close to Evelyn before.
“Now Evelyn has a present for you, Charlotte, don't you, Evie?,” Mr Ford said. The box was heavy, so Mr Ford placed it in front of me instead of Evelyn. I tore pretty bow and paper off. Inside was a leather-bound book, and when I looked confused, Mrs Ford laughed and said, “She doesn't know what it is!”
“It's a photo album, Charlotte,” Mr Ford said. “Open it and see what's inside.”
I flipped back the heavy cover and saw that the pages of this book were filled with pictures that he'd taken of me and Evelyn. The two of us playing with her dolls in her room, in the garden holding Patches, even at this table eating Mama's cake. There we were, side by side in every picture, my arm around Evelyn's shoulder and me kissing her cheek in some of them because when Mr Ford told me to kiss Evelyn for the camera, I did. The first time he told me to put my arm around her I told him I wasn't suppose to because she was sick, but Mr Ford told me that I couldn't catch what she had.
I was looking at the pictures when I heard Mama gasp. I looked at her and saw her mouth opening over and over like a poor fish as she leaned over me and began turning the pages.
“What-what! My God!” she sputtered. “Why? Why did you let my daughter do this?”
Mr and Mrs Ford leaned over to see what had my mother so upset, then looked at each other in confusion.
“What do you mean, Esther?” Mr Ford asked.
“My daughter is kissing a corpse!”
“Esther!” Mrs Ford gasped.
“Your daughter is dead! I went along with this farce because Charlotte was so young that she couldn't tell, and all of us pretending- God, she's been gone for years! Stuffing her like a pet parrot is disgusting enough, but you've had my child touch this thing? I-I- what in the-...No sir, this is where I draw the line! I'll find other work!”
Both Mr and Mrs Ford were shouting right back at Mama, Mrs Ford saying, “You brought her here every week! Charlotte and Evelyn are friends!” while Mr Ford said, “There isn't a damn thing wrong with my daughter! She's a perfect child!”
“And she'll stay that way until you're both dead and people will find her here, sitting in her fancy clothes! She'll be given a proper burial, and you two will be known for what you've done! Get up, Charlotte!”
I took my hairbrush and picked up the photo album, but Mama said, “No, leave that awful thing,” then just as quickly said, “We're taking it,” and put the album under her arm. She hurried me into my coat in the foyer as Mrs Ford followed and said, “We only hired you because Evelyn should have a friend. Now you've ruined her birthday.”
“I'm sure she'll turn eight for another fifty-,” Mama stopped herself suddenly, like she was swallowing her words, then said, “I'm very sorry about her, but you've gone too far.”
She pulled me out the front door and slammed it behind us. She made me hurry down the street and didn't stop until we were at the corner, where she handed me the album while she pulled her own coat on, then tucked the album under her arm again. She hadn't even grabbed the bag when we left. At home Mama built a fire in the fireplace and I sat in the armchair watching her pull up photo after photo of me and Evelyn and throw each onto the fire. “I'm so sorry, darling. I needed the job, but that's no excuse,” she said. She was almost crying.
“What does corpse mean?” I asked.
I never saw Evelyn again, but we did see the Fords years later. By then Mother had been at a good job for several years and had remarried. I was about to graduate high school, so Mother and I were shopping at Mund's department store for a dress. I think we both saw the Fords at the same time and we froze. Mr Ford turned and saw us standing no more than twenty feet across the sales floor. He was quite gray by then, and his eyes opened wide for just a few seconds, then he turned back towards his wife without a word. They were in the children's clothing department, shopping for a little girl's party dress.