If You're Creepy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands!
July may be the most difficult month of the year. While the Fourth is a real day of celebration, especially because it involves fireworks and freedom, two things I'm a big fan of, it's still stuck in the middle of summer. That's always cause for sadness. My face melts and so does the chocolate bar I'm always holding.
Let's go inside, pull the curtains and light a pumpkin pie scented candle. Put your ear buds in. I think I have the perfect thing to make the fog roll in...
Spooky Voices in Your Ears
There are so many podcasts available and more starting up every day. It can be hard to keep up.
This is a brief listing of some of my favorites in the Darker genre. Some are quite fun. We'll cover horror podcasts later on.
Just have to mention that I was miffed to learn that one of my faves, The Murder Squad with Jensen and Holes was canceled by the Exactly Right Network, but I have no doubt that both Paul and Billy will land somewhere in the true crime genre, where their fans will be waiting.
Spooky Stories-
Welcome to Night Vale- You're likely familiar with this long-running (10 years!) podcast, but it's still a prime example of fantastic storytelling. Allow Night Vale's local radio announcer, Cecil, to tell you about the strange events in this remote desert town, from the floating cat in the men's room to the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home.
https://www.welcometonightvale.com/
Full Body Chills- Written and often performed by Ashley Flowers and David Flowers, this podcast offers campfire stories, spooky little originals of 15-40 minutes. The scare level is truly subjective but always atmospheric.
https://fullbodychillspodcast.com/
Grim & Mild- I'm listing these next two under their production company, owned by podcasting king Aaron Mahnke, who has so many popular podcasts that he writes, produces and hosts that you have to wonder when he sleeps.
Bridgewater is a 2021 ten-part series starring Misha Collins, Karan Soni and Nathan Fillion. It's the story of a folklore professor who wants to leave his police officer father's disappearance forty years ago in the past, but when his father's badge reappears, so do the questions.
https://www.grimandmild.com/
13 Days of Halloween: Hawthorne Manor is one of my favorites. Keegan-Michael Key is the caretaker of the manor, introducing the listener to each of the residents.
https://www.grimandmild.com/13days
Non-Fiction and True Crime
-Odd Things I've Seen, The Podcast- This is author J. W. Ocker's travels, mostly through New England and often with his entire family in tow. They seek out the strange and obscure, from the graves of horror character actors, to the hardware store in Ed Gein's town, to a sweet plaque in the woods installed by Bette Davis to her late husband. The podcasting seems to have fallen by the wayside but there are several years worth of travels to catch up on. https://www.oddthingsiveseen.com/p/podcast.html?m=1
Let's Not Meet- an anthology podcast of first-hand accounts of fear.https://letsnotmeetpodcast.com/
My Favorite Murder- You knew this podcast had to be on the list. Comedians Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark recount true stories that range from serial killers to disaster survival. Are you a murderino?https://www.exactlyrightmedia.com/myfavoritemurder
Also from the Exactly Right Network are two podcasts hosted by historian and literary professor Kate Winkler Dawson. Wicked Words has true crime authors recounting the crimes they've written books about, while Ten-Fold More Wicked dives into a murder case for up to ten episodes. Winkler Dawson interviews family members and scholars, with topics ranging from Burke and Hare to remarkably obscure murders that need to be told.
https://www.exactlyrightmedia.com/wicked-words
https://www.exactlyrightmedia.com/tenfold
Lore is another hugely influential podcast from Aaron Mahnke. Each episode is the telling of something strange, unexplainable or supernatural.
https://www.grimandmild.com/
This Podcast Will Kill You just might be the scariest podcast on the list, as it's about biology. Diseases, and syndromes and mysterious illnesses. Viruses and venom. Yeah, that's horror.
https://www.exactlyrightmedia.com/this-podcast-will-kill-you
What podcast would you add?
Hay Hair
There was a girl named Lindy Lynn,
who had the most beautiful skin,
her eyes were bright, her lashes long,
there was really only one thing wrong.
Lindy Lynn had hair like hay,
it was just like hay in every way.
The other girls made Lindy Lynn sad,
They'd poke at her hair and say,
“It's really, really bad!”
Lindy Lynn would go home and cry,
she wanted pretty hair,
and it's not as if she didn't try,
she bought everything for hair care.
She slicked it with goop,
and combed it down flat,
but by the time she was at school,
it sprung up like a big hat.
One night Lindy Lynn was about to chop off her hair,
but luckily for her, Grandma was there.
Lindy Lynn cried about her hair like hay,
Grandma hugged her and told her what to say the next day.
The next morning the mean girls started right away,
but Lindy Lynn felt brave because she knew what to say.
“Deena,” she said, “don't pick on me anymore.
You have problems of your own. Your mother's a whore.
And Terri,” she continued, “your dad steals the mail.
He's not away on assignment, he's doing two years in jail.
Rachel, the whole town knows about your big brother, Jack.
He's not an entrepreneur, he's at the river selling crack.
So the next girl who says my hair looks like hay,
is writing a check with her mouth that her ass is gonna pay.”
That was the end of Lindy Lynn's woes,
She grew up with her hay hair and happily
married a guy with webbed toes.
Not So Spooky Booky
The Apple Lover's Cookbook
by Amy Traverso
W.W. Norton and Company, 2011
You may know Traverso as one of the hosts of the PBS series Weekends with Yankee. In the show, she travels all over New England meeting farmers, shop owners, museum guides and chefs. She's the primary interviewer when it comes to food and food producers, which is also her focus at the magazine, where she's the senior food editor.
I have other apple cookbooks, but this is hands-down the best apple book I know of, and it's my go-to for apple information and recipes. What makes it so different is that it doesn't treat apples as if they're all equal, because they aren't. Some apples are light and crisp, best for eating raw, while others are dense and tart, great for candied or caramel apples, and some are dry, making for great cider.
This book has a section providing color photos and bios for 59 apple varieties. It's like apple Tinder. Unless you grow heirloom apples yourself, you've probably never heard of many of these varieties, such as New England's Blue Pearmain, a dull reddish-blueish-greenish tone that has notes of vanilla, pear and melon. I don't care that the skin is described as “quite tough and waxy”, some people might say that about me. I'd jump at the chance at the so intriguing Winter Banana variety from Indiana, that yes, has a mild apple- banana flavor.
After a section of baking and storage tips is a 200 page section of recipes, savory, sweet, even cocktail recipes.
I've chosen this recipe for inclusion here because it made an Irish Soda Bread fan out of me, something I never really cared for. This makes a really fantastic loaf of sweet, flavorful bread, and it's easy. I'll mention that I don't normally have currants on hand so have swapped them for raisins on occasion.
Irish Soda Bread with Apples and Currants
Makes 1 loaf
Use a firm-tart apple such as Granny Smith or Rome
2 ½ c (325 g) all-purpose flour ¼ c plus 2 tsp (51 g) sugar, divided
4 tbs (58 g) melted unsalted butter, plus more for greasing
1 ½ tsp baking powder 1 tsp salt
1 c (240 ml) buttermilk
1 large apple, peeled, cored, cut into small cubes
½ c (65g) currants 1 tsp caraway seeds
Preheat oven to 375F and set the rack to the middle location. Grease an 8 or 9 inch cake pan with butter.
In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, ¼ c sugar, baking powder, salt and baking soda. Add the butter and stir just until the flour mixture is coated. Make a well in the center and add the buttermilk. Gently stir until moistened. The dough should look shaggy.
Add the apples, currants and caraway seeds and stir until just combined.
Flour your hands, then shape the dough into a ball. Place this in the prepared pan and flatten just slightly with your palm. The dough will not reach the edges. Sprinkle with the remaining two teaspoons of sugar.
Bake until golden brown on top, 45-50 minutes. A toothpick should come out clean.
Cool on a rack for 15 minutes before removing from the pan and continuing to cool on the rack another 15 minutes.
1 BAT, but you really can't expect to be frightened by an apple cookbook, can you?
Who's Your Heartthrob?
Been lonely too long? Meeting your soulmate doesn't happen easily for many of us; I would never have met The Giant if not for a string of out-of-the-ordinary events, with the first star aligning being that my friend threw a Halloween party. That may not sound like such a rare occurrence, but my friend had quite a reputation for throwing bad parties, ones where people separated themselves yet still didn't talk to each other. Where someone made off with a whole week's worth of groceries from the fridge. This was a Halloween party that shouldn't have happened, but it did. The Giant was dressed as a hulking Ozzy and I was a run-over pedestrian. He brought his bongos to the party and threw up.
That's our meet-cute story, which is proof that romance is out there, you just have to go get it. Here's a helpful guide to what's waiting out there for you.
The Vampire- Do you like 'em bossy? The vampire is a great choice for you because you'll get lots of empirical commands tossed your way. If you refuse, the vampire isn't above hypnotizing their significant other to get their way. Go ahead, tell your undead love no and you'll wake up to find you're in the process of painting the kitchen black and wondering why your shirt's covered in beet juice.
Find your vampire mate at a Comic Con or a The Damned concert.
The Witch- No, all witches don't have green skin, but the warts are 100% true.
Witches take all different forms: young, old, beautiful, ugly, rich or poor. The one thing they all have in common is a shockingly foul-mouth. Like truck drivers and sailors got together and created a new language. For many, this creativity is the upside to dating a witch.
Be warned, the downside is that witches have magic, making them formidable enemies. Told her that you can't be with someone who watches The Bachelorette? She'll come up with a worse way to send you home than with a rose.
Find the Witch at a feminist bookstore, New Age shop, or in the self-care aisle at Whole Foods.
The Zombie- Maybe you're looking for someone who makes you really feel heard. Dating a zombie means it will always be about YOU. You'll be able to talk all day about anything you like, because the zombie is more of a listener. Giving you endless reassurance in the form of teeth-baring smiles and constant offers of hugs. Really, every move you make will be seen as new and exciting by your zombie love. You can do no wrong in their milky eyes as long as you remain tantalizingly close. But seriously, you'll want to invest in the security of your relationship by purchasing strong shackles, as strong as your commitment.
Find the zombie you've been waiting for out in the desolate woods, or a 24-hour gas station.
The Ghoul- The ghoul and the zombie have certain things in common, mainly being passionate about a raw diet, so keep that in mind when dating either. The difference is that where the zombie is focused on their significant other, the ghoul lives an outdoorsy life that will take real effort on your part to keep up with. Racing over the countryside on all fours and clawing through the dirt of a fresh grave isn't for everyone, no matter how cute your ghoul may be. And they tend to be quite stoic aside from the snarling. But carry sanitizing wipes and toothpicks for yourself and you're in! Ghouls are known for prioritizing mutual lifestyles rather than looks.
Find the ghoul in churchyards gibbering among the tombstones on moonlit nights, or in the meat department of any chain grocery store. They know how to stretch a dollar.
The Ghost- If you enjoy having two dates and never hearing another word even though he said he'd call, go ahead, date a ghost.
Find a ghost anywhere douchebags converge.
The Banshee- Do you find the Irish lilt attractive? Of course you do, it's a lovely accent, and maybe you'll find it even more alluring when it's screeched at a volume that will burst your eardrums. Banshees are delightfully intense, if a bit of a downer. She (all banshees are female) will wake up screaming doom and come home from work screaming about how much worse tomorrow will be. If you're a naturally upbeat person you just might be the ray of sunshine that can turn her frown upside down. Go ahead, be this gloomy gal's umbrella!
Find the banshee in Ireland, either standing on a cliff or working in the dramatic arts.
Loch Monster- There one minute and gone the next. Too unreliable.
You won't find the Loch Monster, don't waste your time.
Cheonyeo Gwisin (Korean Virgin Ghost)- Like Jerry Seinfeld, you'll notice that your Cheonyeo Gwisin girlfriend is always wearing the same outfit, but that's because she's so laser focused on her unfinished business that she can't be bothered with wardrobe. Such determination may leave the impression that she has a one-track mind, with all her activities focused around what you're doing, but if she gets a bit clingy just call all your buddies over and see if she gets attached to one of them for a while.
Find the Cheonyeo Gwisin in unhappy homes and speed dating events.
Mad Scientist's Monster- How would you like a sweet, romantic surprise, like unexpected flowers? Are you equally cool with horrible surprises, like being chucked in a pond? The mad scientist's monster is a walking grab bag of both emotions and various body parts, so you just don't know what you'll get. Hello, spontaneity! This love monster is wildness stitched together with fun.
Find the monster breaking things in his creator's lab, or in an independently owned cigar lounge. He appreciates atmosphere.
The Werewolf- This may be the most calm relationship ever. Imagine the moonlit walks: you, dressed in your cozy dog-attack deterrent full body suit, watch as your pookie tears off into the night. You can go home, catch up on Stranger Things and have a nice salad. When your werewolf returns you'll pet him on the head til he falls asleep, back legs kicking as he dreams of the chase. Isn't that adorable?
You know your werewolf will always return to you; you keep his terrible secret for one, but also, who else would be okay it? Only you. You are worth your weight in Tide sticks and Milkbones.
Find the werewolf at barbershops and the nail care aisle of Petsmart.
Use this guide and you're assured true love. I invite you to tell us how your dating life has improved, or that you took my advice and now you're dead.