If you're creepy and you know it, clap your hands!
Vol. 6: In which we hunt Jaws (stuff), make pumpkin spice rolls and go to Hell. See you there!
What's a Summer Without
Jaws! The only answer to “Name a bright and sunny horror movie.” Or “Name a horror movie that smells like fish.”
It's a fantastic combination of horror and adventure. The shark fin cutting through the ocean while the theme, duh DUM, duh DUM, may be the first image that comes to your traumatized mind, or that of poor Chrissy being jerked back and forth in the dark before becoming chum. This aberration of its species was so deadly it even sent a fishing town into a tailspin, people who live next to and work the sea every day and have at least heard of sharks in the area. But nothing like this shark has ever happened to Amity before. Even aboard The Orca, the three heroes are having daily bouts of sheer terror as they hunt the maneater. Well, terror on the part of the Chief and Hooper. Quint was focused on collecting his fee and probably dreaming of shark steaks glazed in apricot brandy.
Jaws endures in our collective minds even now, 47 years after it was released in 1975 to scare the living shit out of generations, making people afraid not just of sharks, but the sea, the beach, bodies of water in general. As a young child I was told the story of Jaws by the older kids. Told, not shown the movie, and I then refused to take baths. Jaws was under the bubbles. I may have squinted and muttered, “He don't fool me.”
I grew up to discover Jaws as an adult and became a huge fan. You're looking at someone with not one, but two, logo t-shirts in the closet, books, anniversary DVD, artwork, and a couple of books about actor Robert Shaw, one of the most underrated actors of all time. (He should be as famous as Sean Connery and I'm willing to throw a fit and fall in it over the subject.)
So it's good to see all the Jaws-related events each summer, but this year there's another excuse to escape to Florida. Universal Orlando has installed a summer-long Jaws store, made to look like Quint's shack, complete with his fishing chair, dingy clothes on the wall hooks, and a steaming lobster pot on the stove. Lots of shirts, signage, posters, handbags...let the world know your thing is a shark with a vendetta. You're gonna need a bigger tote.
Quint's chair and reel in the shop
Even though the official Jawsfest of Martha's Vineyard, with it's Quint look-alike competition, has been canceled for another year, there are still reasons to visit the island, besides it being a beautiful if crowded summer spot. You can still see the movie locations, though little of the actual shoot survives. You can stand on Joseph Sylvia State Beach and quietly whisper “shark” under your breath. Walk Main St./Water St., where Brody bought paint from the hardware store, and ride Chappy Ferry, the sight where Brody and Mayor Vaughn argued about closing the beach. Maybe best of all, the Edgartown Town Hall, which stood in for Amity Town Hall, still stands at 70 Main St. and looks almost the same.
Or you can make it easy on yourself and take a one-hour walking tour of Jaws locations from the Edgartown Tour Company. It's a good idea, as there are still lots of stories about the filming that only the locals know, and you'll hear them on the tour.
https://www.edgartowntours.com/
Maybe you can't get to Florida or Martha's Vineyard this year but you're dying to keep up with the latest news of the fictional shark. Where is he, who's he dating? You need to check out this site, which has an active community of fans:
https://thedailyjaws.com/
Easy Pumpkin Spice Rolls
And when I say easy, I mean a little kid could do this. Go ahead, have your eight year-old make your breakfast.
1 package refrigerated crescent rolls
½ c pumpkin puree (not pumpkin pie filling)
¼ c brown sugar
1 tsp pumpkin pie spice
pinch of salt
Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
Mix the pumpkin, sugar, spice and salt well until smooth.
Place parchment paper on a baking sheet. Unroll the dough on the sheet and separate.
Spread 1 tsp of the filling over the dough, leaving the last ½ inch of the longest end bare.
Roll into the crescent shape, ending with the uncoated end on top.
Bake 9-10 minutes until golden brown. Allow to cool while you make the optional glaze.
Glaze-
4 tbs powdered sugar
3-4 tbs warm water
The glaze should be thin enough to brush a light coating onto the rolls.
Spooky Booky
My Friend Dahmer by Derf Backderf
Abrams Comic Arts, 2012
Backderf was a schoolmate of serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer from junior high through high school, seeing him change from an introverted, quiet boy to an introverted young man who occasionally made the effort to interact with his peers. At times the two were casual friends, with Dahmer allowed to hang around the author's group of nerdy classmates as long as he entertained them. He did this, for a period, by imitating seizures and spasms. Dahmer made a spectacle of himself as his price for being included.
It's a side we don't think about, that someone who later commits the atrocities that Dahmer did came from somewhere, went through school, tried to make friends and fit in, even if it was a brief attempt. Backderf, who became a cartoonist, was there and saw the behavior that set Dahmer apart from his peers.
This thick graphic novel recalls the strange, isolated boy named Jeff who Backderf met in 7th grade as Dahmer's family was fracturing, and how the boy made a play for friendship by imitating epileptics. It worked. For a while. Dahmer was capable of both brazen behavior and complete solitude. It wasn't until years later, after seeing his former classmate had been arrested for a string of murders, that Backderf learned that Jeff had been fighting his urges even back then.
Scare Scale-3: Though the panels of violence are minimal, you know Dahmer's story, so it's enough.
Go To Hell
A visit to the little town of Hell, Michigan
You may already feel that you're on your way to the original fiery pit of damnation, but we're actually visiting Hell on earth. The small town of Hell, Michigan, located 15 miles northwest of Ann Arbor.
Hell is an unincorporated township, so there are no official boundaries or population count, though the most agreed number of residents in Hell is currently around 72.
I know what you're thinking. “Awww, someone came up with this gimmick ten years ago to sell t-shirts.” No. Someone came up with this gimmick to sell t-shirts way back in 1841. There are several theories of how the town was named, one being that it referenced the level of mosquito torment due to the local wetlands, another being that founder George Reeves was asked what he wanted his town to be called and answered, “I don't care, you can name it Hell for all I care.” He sounds great.
Though the town is small, there's a lot of Hellish activities here. You can get married in the tiny Hell's Chapel of Love, it's size being possible commentary on how much love there is in Hell.
You can send out a letter or postcard, which will arrive with the Hell postmark and singed edges. You can shop and have ice cream at the Screams year-round Halloween shop, or fall off a stool at the Hell Saloon. Visit the public library, which declares it's been funded by grants from Damnation University. And some years, Hell is the location for Hearse Fest, a yearly gathering of hearse enthusiasts.
Yes, the residents milk the Hell out of their name, selling it on every kind of souvenir possible, but wouldn't you?
Visit
https://www.gotohellmi.com/ for upcoming events, which includes a Friday the 13th in Hell event for 2023.