Reading Horror with Eels

Vol. 160: That may have come out wrong. Anyway, Halloween candy news too.

Here’s a slew of books you’ll want, and news that’s actually useful because it’s about stuff that creeps like. You are a creep, aren’t you? I thought so. You look like one. Anyway, here we go.

Brazen, 2024

When Ji-won’s father abandons his family for another woman, her mother can barely hold it together. She’s not only dealing with heartbreak, but the loss of the family business and the difficulty of living in America with minimal English skills, so it’s a shock to Ji-won and her younger sister when Umma is suddenly in love with George, a White man with brilliant blue eyes.

Ji-won and her sister don’t like George. They suspect that he’s using Umma. His arrival in their lives coincides with a change in Ji-won’s behavior and her newly developed taste for fish eyes. Umma says that eating the eyes is lucky.

Speaking of tasty treats, Mars has announced some of their plans for this year’s Halloween candy. Yes, the Chocolate Pumpkin Pie M&Ms will return, along with Ghoulish Green Twix and Snickers. New for Halloween will include peanut butter M&MS fun-size bags, all the Skittles varieties in an assortment bag, and Hubba Bubba, Starburst and Life Savers in one bag. Hershey’s is releasing a pumpkin spice ganache-filled version of their Nuggets. That sounds amazing.

Slewfoot by Brom

Tor Nightfire, 2021

Abitha has come to America as an ordered bride, a lucky one, as her husband Edward is a kind man. He is weak where it comes to his older brother, though. Manipulative and dishonest, Wallace has tricked Edward into signing a contract that almost guarantees that Wallace will soon own Edward’s farm.

When Edward disappears into the earth, Wallace believes he will soon have both the farm and Abitha as an indentured servant. He doesn’t know that she has inherited the talent of her cunning mother, and that she has made a friend of the most powerful creature in the woods. This is folk horror and witchcraft set among the Puritans.

Season 2 of Netflix’s Wednesday is back. Took ‘em long enough. The first four episodes premier August 6^th, with the next four episodes arriving September 3^rd. The second season of Showtime’s Dexter: Resurrection started July 13^th. And August 19^th is the release date for The End of the World As We Know It, an authorized anthology of stories featuring the characters from Stephen King’s The Stand. Authors include Joe R. Lansdale, Josh Malerman, Tananarive Due, Richard Chizmar, Ronald Malfi and many more.

Titan Books, 2024

At fifty years old, an actor from an infamous unfinished horror movie has no career or family. After years of dashed hope, he’s finally approached by a production company that looks like they will actually begin filming a remake. That means the actor, known forever for his role as the abused ‘Thin Kid’, can rely on a paycheck for his consultations. But it’s more than that. This film that was never finished has defined his life. After the director uploaded clips online, the actor has notoriety and little else beyond the real trauma and scars from the role. Going over the past, he recounts how each actor, including him, were absorbed by their characters.

A version of this next one appeared on Autumn Lives Here a few years ago, and I still think this oceanic horror is perfect for Summerween, mainly because eels haven’t worked on themselves at all. Despite their non-stop garbage about “growing”, there’s been zero improvement.

Satan's Streamers: A Look At Eels

Whether you’re an experienced deep sea diver or you've never been in the ocean in your life, humanity has unanimously agreed that eels were created in Hell and pushed through the fiery cracks of Earth to make people scream and pee underwater. If you were the bravest person in the world and grabbed an eel by the head, you would never be able to pull it out of its lair because the other end of the creature is being held by demons. This is a fact.

Eels are fish, not some lost variety of snake. You should know that eels tend to have poor eyesight but an excellent sense of smell. Like all demon-adjacent creatures, they are more active at night. The “gasping” is their breathing process, pushing water over their gills, or so the marine biologists who are in on the scam would have us think. I believe they are screaming “fresh meat, fresh meat!” in a language used in the fourth ring of Hell.

Now let's look at just a few of the varieties you’ll meet if you choose to go knocking on the devil's ceiling.

The Moray- this variety numbers more than 200, with over 70 varieties just in the tropical regions of the Pacific. There's the White-Eyed, the Yellow Margin, Black Spotted, Fibriated...and there's the Green Moray, which actually isn't green but brown. It just looks green because it's covered in mucus, which in the deep ocean gives it the cheerful tinge of infected snot. Morays have two sets of jaws and two sets of teeth, so once it locks onto prey, it's nearly impossible to get away. Additionally, their teeth are coated in toxic goo to assist in subduing a meal. Sounds like Satan threw everything but the kitchen sink in when he made this one.

The Giant Moray (gymnothorax javanicus), can grow to 10 feet long and weigh 65 lbs. In 1927, a 12 ½ ft. Giant Moray was caught in Australia, a place where three out of every five living creatures are filled with deadly toxins. The other two have razors for fingers. It’s how they like it.

Morays can be found in both saltwater and freshwater. Even in brackish water. Like the Mike Myers of sea creatures, they can pop up anywhere.

You can tell if an eel is a moray by the double jaws, or if you don't want to pry their mouths open, the dorsal fin runs the length of the body on a moray.

What, I’d never chew your lips off. Now come closer.

Now, the Snowflake Eel sounds like it would be the gentler, less demonic version of an eel. It actually possesses thick, blunt teeth and powerful jaws that allow it to bit right through crab shells and mollusks. I have to assume human bones too, as that’s what they really want.

The Golden Tail Moray has features that are too small for its face. That's unattractive and probably why they’re resentful and hard to listen to.

The Spotted Garden Eel lives in groups. It's small and known for being shy, but look at that pissed off expression. Shit-stirrers. They’re infamous for the “dine and dash”.

The Lamprey Eel isn't actually an eel but it gets lumped in with them and I don't care how they feel about that. The lamprey is so horrifying that it has inspired movie makers. The little ballerina in The Cabin in the Woods?

They’re consist of a long tube body, small eyes, and a round suction cup mouth filled with teeth. It's an ancient creature from the Atlantic Ocean that invaded the Great Lakes nearly 200 years ago, where it quickly brought down the commercial trout industry. The lamprey attaches itself to the side of a fish, then uses its sandpapery tongue to lick its way through the skin and flesh of the fish until it can get to its favorite part, the blood. A single lamprey can kill up to 40 lbs of freshwater fish a year.

I’ve had enough of lampreys and eels. They aren’t welcome here.

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Hello to Spain and Georgia (my dad’s home state)-you creeps are everywhere!

Getting near the end of July, which means you’ll see pumpkins and monsters in the store soon, if not already. Subscribe to Autumn Lives Here now and breathe a sigh of contentment knowing you’ll be plunged into Fall every week. And why not drop $5 in the kitty to prove that the non-celebrities can make some coin around here. The ointment for whatever the hell I’ve got ain’t free.

Next week: the second story from Zombieland. Let’s talk milkshakes.