The ABCs of Autumn Lives Here

Vol. 156: Begging your pardon, Mr. Gorey

Ava was a girl of discerning taste,  

she only partook of the most toxic paste.

Bernie saved up for a fast muscle car,

he didn’t drive for long, but he flew really far.

Cavan was full of charity, right up to the brim,

til the day a freaked-out junky stabbed the shit of him.

Dee never cleaned, it just made her bored,

so it’s no surprise she was crushed by her hoard.

Ethan was hated, he was such a little prick,

but his coworkers only meant to make him a little sick.

Fern experienced the world with such trepidation,

she was allergic to everything, including her allergy medication.

Greg fancied himself a player, cheating at the drop of a hat,

til his wife found out and fed him some KIL-A-RAT.

Honey was christened that because she was as sweet as a hive in the tree,

so isn’t it ironic that she swallowed an angry bee?

Ian was a psycho who caused a lot of pain,

when he met another psycho, it was Ian who was slain.

Jack tried on a jack o’ lantern and it was a perfect fit,

if only he’d made sure the damn thing wasn’t lit.

Keisha worked hard to make it to the top,

but a hard push from her sister brought it all to a stop.

Liam was a cyclist who ran out of luck,

when he drifted out of his lane and was flattened by a truck.

Manny conducted business with people in the park,

but he was taken out when they suspected that Manny was a narc.

Nora was a malcontent who loved to pick a fight,

she chose the wrong opponent on this particular night.

Opal went to a super sale to get a wedding dress,

she stumbled, the brides trampled, and left an Opal mess.

Pierre was a gourmand who ate fungus raw, sauteed or fried,

but mushrooms can be tricky, and he vomited til he died.

Quinn was concerned about being very, very thin,

she was proof that a person can’t survive on a diet of apple skin.

Roma had a life-long dream of swimming among the sharks,

she made the dream come true for a second, then the sharks tore her apart.

Steve yelled out, “I’m going as fast as I can!”,

He was so stressed and overworked that he fell into a fan.

Tracy was guilt-ridden and accepted all the blame,

she’s the only person I’ve heard of who literally died of shame.

Uli took a flight with his buddy, the befuddled Pilot Pete,

And was surprised to learn, up in the skies, that his was an ejector seat.

Violet gave speeches that made her listeners rage,

she was such a talented speaker, the audience dragged her from the stage.

Will climbed a tree to hide from a bear,

a storm rolled in quickly and lightening struck him up there.

Xena hated her name, and hated myths and lore,

she went to Mom’s for payback, but Mom was waiting behind the door.

Yvette’s car broke down in the hot desert heat,

when she was finally found, she looked like dry, overcooked meat.

Zack bought a ticket to Jupiter, and paid to get there first,

but his helmet wasn’t properly sealed and Zack’s head simply burst.

---

What can I say to any of these poor souls other than sucks to be you.

Next week, we’re going hard on Summerween. Hot weather horror, and Jaws, and pretending to be okay with the sun even though I’d like to slap it. Just slap it! Slapslapslap!